Author: Nirupama Subramanian

One of the nicer things about summer in Gurgaon is swimming. Most pools open in April and offer a
welcome respite from the heat. Many Gurgaonites have access to pools, whether it is at a club or a condominium or the HUDA gymkhana. On a good hot day, the community pool resembles any other public space in the country- It is packed with bodies of all shapes and sizes, no one follows the rules and everyone believes that the space has been created solely for his own enjoyment.

As a novice swimmer and mother of a learner, I have ventured out into our condominium pool. Even though my swimming is rudimentary, I have had the opportunity to observe at close quarters, the fascinating ecosystem that thrives in this waterhole.

The pool is visited by many creatures through the day. Outside the pool, flanking the edges, you will find the Pool Mothers. The Anxious Mother is focused on her young who is splashing around happily,
ignoring cries of ‘ Don’t drown your little sister’ or ‘Don’t do kulla with that water.’ The Ambitious ones have hired coaches and scream“ Breathe properly ! Kick Harder! Faster, Faster” like dedicated midwives hoping that their brat will become the next Michael Phelps. The Social Mother is content to chat with other mothers about throwing pool parties while throwing an occasional glance at her progeny. Most of the mothers will never get into the pool- the chlorinated water is terrible for the hair, complexion, skin and stomach and the swimsuit is terrible for the muffin rolls, cellulite and granny arms. And no one, not even Miss Universe can look good under a rubber swim cap and goggles.

The Splasher is a creature that does everything but swim. The young Splasher loves being in the water and is immediately recognized by the wild thrashing and splattering that is created around it. The very young are spotted in colorful arm bands and Swim tubes which they shed as they grow older. The Splasher believes that the pool is a playground and delights in fooling around, distracting Serious Swimmers and scaring the Learners. The Splasher is found at the shallow areas and usually flocks in small groups. The older Splasher pretends to swim but has actually perfected the art of making heavy thrashing look like a swim stroke.

Another visitor to the pool is the Serious Swimmer. The Serious Swimmer frequents the pool when he
knows that activity levels will be low and can focus on his laps and timing. He probably started off trying to maintain some pool etiquette but soon realized that lane swimming ,much like lane driving is a non- existent phenomenon here. If he is lucky, he can get to do a few uninterrupted laps. On a bad day, he could be dive bombed by a small Splasher , ambushed by a large rubber Dolphin or cut off by a Wall Hugger who has ventured into the fast lane.

The Wall Hugger is in love with the comforting solidity of tiles and bricks. He/She has only recently been initiated into the joys of being in a waterbody. The wall hugger cannot leave the side of the pool for long because of the nameless fear that clutches his heart even though his mind is telling him that it is impossible for a large adult to drown in four feet of water. Some of them are egged on by other

swimmers or a coach who yell, “ Come one, Nothing will happen”. The wall hugger cannot let go. Some
wall huggers love to hang out at the edge kicking aimlessly and enjoying a chat with the social mothers.

Nightfall attracts some other creatures to the pool. Some species of Serious Swimmers are nocturnal.
They streak silently through the water like sharks, happy to have the pool free of kids and wannabe swimmers. One may spot Floating Aunty who has braved the pool in a flowery swimming costume that resembles a six year olds’ party frock. Occasionally Floating Uncle joins Floating Aunty and they float around happily. A very lucky wildlife enthusiast may be blessed with a rare sighting of a Bikini Bombshell. This species is usually from overseas and comes out at night to avoid the gawking locals. The one creature that I have never seen is the Baywatch Hunk. This tall well muscled specimen with rippling muscles and six pack abs has only been sighted in Hollywood serials and the odd Bollywood movie, sporting around in tiny swim trunks. Alas, it does not seem to visit the community pool leaving it to other creatures.

Traffic jams are a part of the staple diet of the urban Indian. Many people think that traffic jams can be cooked up by anyone, anywhere. However, there are distinct differences between the ordinary street variety jam and the gourmet jam that is favoured by connoisseurs. The Mumbai traffic jam is not similar to the Kolkatta jam which again has a different flavour from the Chennai jam. Our Gurgaon jam has several unique features that set it apart from others. It is a big juicy creation that uses fresh seasonal ingredients for a stimulating feast of the senses. It is also deceptively easy to make.

Pick some roads. Since the streets here have no name so any selection of two roads that intersect each other will do. For an authentic traffic jam, select roads with 3-4 medium sized potholes. These are easily available, especially during the monsoon season. As a bonus, you may find some potholes filled with muddy water. For best results, make sure the roads have a large ditch on one side and construction activity on the other. You can also use roads which have been used for construction of the Rapid Metro which have large earth moving equipment parked permanently on them. It is the quality of roads that give our local jams their unique flavour.

Add a traffic signal. Most people in Gurgaon consider traffic signals to be shiny decorations meant to beautify the landscape.At best, they are only suggestions for appropriate behaviour on the roads. A red light indicates that you have the option but not the obligation to stop. A green light is assumed to be perpetually on. Yellow? What is that? A functional traffic signal will create an average sort of a jam. For a jam that can be featured on Master Chef, ensure that the signal is defunct. This will ensure adequate churning and stirring of the jam to release the hidden flavours and lead to a strong aftertaste. Though not commonly found, any traffic policeman is to be plucked out and removed from the signal.

Next, stuff the road with a variety of vehicles. You can use cars of all sizes ranging from the Maruti 800 to the Fortuner. For a piquant taste, insert some local buses and shared autos, the kind that stop for anyone,anywhere. To complete the filling, you may add a dash of two wheelers and a manic pedestrian who believes that he is Superman. Gently squeeze in a bunch of pigs. Ensure that the road is completely stuffed so that there are no empty spaces between the vehicles.

Now that all key ingredients are ready, stir the jam and let it simmer on low heat. Unlike jams in other parts of the world, the Gurgaon jam has a low boiling point. Within 3 minutes, you will notice the mixture bubbling up and fumes arising from the vehicles. The pungent odour of human frustration will fill the air. Vehicles from each of the four roads will vie for a safe passage. Each driver believes that he/she will be able to miraculously climb or fly over other cars and make it through to the other side. The ingredients take on a life of their own.

Never, never give right of way to anyone. Any courteous, ‘your car before mine’ behavior will cause
the jam to become weak and runny.

Keep cutting lanes. Chop them into fine thin slivers so that they become a shapeless mass giving the
jam a nice dense texture

Honk loudly and continuously. There is no correlation between the decibel of the horn and the movement of a preceding vehicle but the noise is very important to release all the pent up flavours in the jam.

Add to the noise by yelling at others and talking loudly on the mobile. Sprinkle some choice ‘gaalis’ for a tangy spicy note. Note: Some drivers may step out of the car and try to overpower other drivers. This could drastically increase the spice levels . It could appeal to some but could cause the jam to turn sour and unpalatable if allowed to go on for long.

If all above rules have been followed, we have a typical Gurgaon traffic jam. It is a rich filling dish by itself and one large dose of this jam is enough to last you for weeks.

It is that time of the year again- time to look back on the year gone by and wonder what exactly you did with the 360 odd days that seem to have whizzed by. Was 2011 a good year, a bad year, a sort of also ran year? Everything seems a hazy blur(not just due the winter fog) and I can’t seem to instantly recall even one major thing that has happened locally over the last year. How have we shaped the course of events in the world, how have they shaped us? What memories do we carry of the past year? Are there are any significant markers in our lives or do we just traverse the days in a daze? Have we learnt anything new, has anything touched us or moved us in a way that had not happened before? It is that time of the year to ponder on such profound questions and do some soul searching.

To get some answers, I asked some of my friends and neighbors what they recalled as significant happenings in the life of Gurgaon.

“The Metallica concert getting cancelled”, everyone chanted. If the concert had started on time, ended with no skirmishes over parking spaces and no complaints about the decibel levels, it could have been a minor achievement, even headline news. What seemed to have had a bigger impact was its cancellation. Everyone remembered how shameful and terrible it was. “A neighbor of a friend got a fracture during the chaos,” recalled someone with ghoulish delight. We all trashed the anti social elements who had trashed the concert venue and blackened the fair name of our city.

“Ah, there was the time when the pubs had to be shut down in Sahara Mall. Do you remember when some lafda happened with local boys and bouncers. We stayed off pubbing for almost three weeks!”remarked another friend sadly. “Now I have started drinking at home. Put on some good music, get the cook to fix some kabab –shabab and you are set.” Everyone commented on how unsafe it was getting these days.

“Yes. How can you forget the terrible shooting at the Toll Plaza?” remembered someone else.

“That wasn’t in the Gurgaon toll booth, was it?” remarked a PYT who was inaugurating new
long boots in honor of the season.

“Yes, at Kherki Daula, which is in Gurgaon” offered a well informed neighbor. “Some guy refused to pay the toll charges. He got into an argument with the attendant and shot him.”

“Why can’t people have some basic civic sense? It is becoming just as bad as Delhi. Road rage and all.” Everyone again commented on how unsafe it was getting these days.

“Isn’t there any good news?” I asked sounding like an anxious mother-in-law. “Things can’t have
been so bad.”

Everyone fell silent.

“The municipal elections were held quite peacefully” someone recalled. A few people had even voted but then had forgotten all about it.

“They have made some roads one way.” The opinion was divided on the impact on traffic and the convenience of this arrangement.

“Anything else? I persisted. “Something really great or special”.

“I bought a new Outlander and haven’t got a single scratch on it so far.” said a neighbor. Others sighed enviously. “Quick, Touch wood.” said his wife.

“A new salon has opened in the South Point mall. Finally I found a hairdresser who really understands my hair” announced a lady with the air of one who had made a great discovery. We all asked for the name and contact details.

“There is an Oberoi at Gurgaon now. Have any of you been there? The seafood is really good” a corporate honcho offered his opinion. We offered our views on other restaurants and made plans to check them out.

The mood became upbeat, the discussions more animate. We made plans for the New Year Party to welcome another significant year.

The winter vacations are finally over and most Gurgaonites have settled back to old routine in the New year. The most terrible thing about getting back to Gurgaon at this time is that the weather is always worse than it was when you left the place. Actually, this holds true for any break you take from Gurgaon unless one leaves in May and resurfaces only in end October.

I am not good with winters, especially the bone chilling, finger freezing kind. My winters usually don’t start off too well. There is the initial pain of extracting the winter wardrobe. Box beds need to be opened up, suitcases need to hefted from the lofts, blankets need to be unearthed from the store. Then, the tedious process of stuffing the summer clothes into containers that now seem too small to hold them, the groaning over the child’s winter clothing which seems to have magically shrunk within eight months, the moaning over last season’s unwise purchase of a shaggy sweater which looks like an atrocity committed on a small hirsute mammal, the sympathetic clucking over the mysterious loss of the husband’s antique woolly socks, the surreptitious chucking of said woolly socks into the garbage bag. There is a complicated rhythm to the whole process which makes me wish that we could be like bears-just eat a whole lot, sleep through the cold and wake up when it spring.

However, the season does have its sartorial advantages which bears can never dream of. Like Boots.

No where else in India, apart from Gurgaon, can one wear boots to the super market. Ah, the joy of boots- thigh boots, ankle boots, suede boots, leather boots, brown, black, leopard print and purple boots, buckled boots..There is a cornucopia of boots to choose from. Boots hide fat legs, shape skinny legs, keep all kinds of legs warm and look cool. While my friends in other places have to contend with the same old sandals and slippers, I can slip on a pair of Ugg rip offs and head to Galleria for some daily shopping. There is a whole shoe closet that others lose out on.

I am not much of a fashionista and usually end up choosing comfort over style-more classic conservative than contemporary chic. But winter gives me a chance to channel my inner Chanel. Apart from boots, I can experiment with esoteric accessories like leg warmers, ear muffs and fingerless crocheted gloves. I can do the corporate look better with a nice pin striped suit instead of a salwar suit at work. There is a whole range of scarves, stoles and mufflers which in various permutations and combinations can give a new look to the same old outfits.

I am not talking about clothes merely from a superficial fashion consciousness. Winter clothing is also great for our self esteem. Men can hide their paunch under a loose sweatshirt, the bald head under a monkey cap and pass off for nearly handsome. Thin men can look bulky in heavy jackets and heavy men can look bulkier even in light jackets and feel good about looking bigger than they actually are. Since
they don’t have the option of lounging around in shorts, rubber slippers and grungy T shirts, the guys look less sloppy and smarter than they actually are. Kids look cuter in winter wear. Even the most weight challenged child looks adorable when accessorized in a pink pom pommed cap and matching mittens.Women have a wonderful invention called shawl. The multipurpose shawl can be worn in many ways. When it is very cold, a thick one can be used to protect the head and ears like a hood. Somewhat cold, wrap it around your shoulders. If it is getting a little warm, wear it around your neck like a scarf. Even the staid Auntiejis appear like beautiful birds, flapping around in colorful pashminas. I love the strategically positioned stole draped around the neck that can camouflage the after effects of a heavy parantha lunch. My skinny friends love the idea of wearing mini skirts with stockings which will show off the figure without showing the skin. Environmentally conscious friends love the faux fur coats and animal print jackets.

Everyone can find many things to love about winter wear. It is one of things that keeps the season from wearing us down.

Few people dispute the claim that Gurgaon has emerged as the undisputed center of Outsourcing in the world. Over the past few years the residents and workers of Gurgaon have become experts at identifying activities that should be outsourced to others who have special abilities and skills. Apart from traditionally outsourced activities like completing children’s homework, walking the dog, and cutting toenails, there are several new tasks that can be outsourced to create new exciting jobs.

Here are a pick of the top new jobs in town.

Parking Scout- Anybody who drives or gets driven around in Gurgaon knows that parking spaces are rarer than polar bears in the Thar desert. Imagine the frustration of the avid shopper who has waited in a long queue outside the MGF mall on a hot Sunday morning only to get the Parking Full sign slapped on her face just as she inched into the driveway. Instead of driving around grinding your teeth and tyres in desperation, employ a Parking Scout. The Parking scout will an identify appropriate vacant parking spot, send you an Alert message on the mobile and quickly plant a quick “ This spot has been Taken” flag in the vacant space, keeping it warm till your car arrives. You might end up seeing Double Dhamaal for the fourth time at Omaxe Mall on Sohna Road while you actually wanted to catch Heroine in Ambience but that is going to have to wait till you get parking there.

Place keeper – An extension of the Parking scout is the place keeper at restaurants. Remember how your best friend used to drop her hanky or schoolbag to reserve a place on the bus for you. The Place keeper does this at restaurants that don’t take reservation. If you want a place at the Food Court on the weekend or sample the Chole Bhature at Haldiram but don’t have the patience to wait for a table once you get there, you just need to call the place keeper. The Place Keeper will rush to the restaurant before you arrive and warm the chairs so that you can have a quick on time meal. The place keeper will convey the menu to you and even place the order so that everything is ready by the time you arrive. The place keeper will also do this at the snooty places that forever to get your order. This is done by placing the order and pretending to talk continuously on the cell phone while saying ‘ My friends are just coming.’ When you arrive, the place keeper discreetly melts into the distance allowing you and your friends to enjoy a great meal.

Sale Spotter – Once upon a time, when there were a handful of shops and no sales except Festive Offers during Diwali, it was possible to keep track of all the bargains and discounts available. Now with 40 malls with an average of 40 shops per mall and Happiness Sales, Spring Sale, Summer Sale, Winter Sale, Off Season Sales and No Reason Sales, the canny but busy shopper cannot possibly know where to head to get the best deals. The Sale Spotter will trawl all the malls and stand alone shops, scan the newspapers and let you know where you can avail of that amazing Buy 1,Get 3 Free Offer on Hand Knitted Ear Warmers. You have to make sure that you buy at least ten things you do not need at these sales so that you can justify the fees of a highly qualified Sale Spotter who will provide you with the incomparable satisfaction of getting the best bargain in town.

Professional Haggler – Everyone knows that the cost of living in Gurgaon just goes higher and higher. Everyone from the maid to maalis, presswalas to painters quote exorbitant rates which have no relation to the fees in the rest of the nation. Even the mango sellers in little push carts raise the prices once they see you disembarking from your new BMW to buy the fruit of the season. The newbie Gurgaonite desperately needs the services of a Professional Haggler who can battle with the most battle scarred domestic help to batten down the rates. It should be made compulsory, especially for Expats and the Newly returned Indians to employ the Professional Hagglers so that they don’t create artificial inflation and spoil the market for the locals by agreeing to any price that is quoted. This the ideal job for senior homemakers who long for the days when they haggled with the sabziwala for extra dhania-mirch before the advent of the home delivery and super markets.

Jobs like these will not only boost the local economy, reduce unemployment etc, etc but also ease the hectic stressful life of the average Gurgaonite.

July is probably the worst month to be in Gurgaon. January with its finger numbing, spirit sinking, flight halting fog and cold or scorching searing scalding May do come close but July is a unique combination of heat and humidity. What makes it worse is the fact that many Gurgaonites have returned from cooler and aesthetically appealing locales across the world after the summer break. To be rudely jolted into the this environment after enjoying the beauty of Naukuchiataal / New York/Naples is cruel torture. Let us add to the mixture erratic power supply, water shortages, non working air conditioners and fridges, wilting plants and withering children and you have a concoction that spells misery.

However, it is in times of misery and gloom, that we need to see the brighter, or in this case the cooler side of things. The terrible weather brings with it several blessings in disguise, which are so well disguised that it may not be obvious at first.

Making new friends- There is no more powerful thing than enduring suffering and torture together to forge strong long lasting connections. Just ask any couple who have been married for more than ten years. This is the time when conversations with neighbors who have ignored each other over the years can be initiated, when new relationships blossom easily.

‘ It is so hot, isn’t it?” you say as you both wipe the sweat from your brow and step into the building looking like worn out warriors after a battle with the natural elements.

“Terrible. We were on vacation in Buenos Aires and it was so wonderfully cool there.’ neighbor replies

“I know. We were holidaying in Los Angeles and it was so gorgeous there. This is the worst summer ever. On top of it, my fridge is not working.”

“Two of my ACs have broken down and the service people haven’t come for three days. It is unbearable.”

You both sigh and nod in a show of empathy, compassion and understanding.

By this time a friendship has been formed which will last you through all the years in the neighborhood. The same conversation can be initiated at supermarkets, coffee shops, beauty salons and bus stops. By the end of summer, you have a new set of friends to whom you can complain about the monsoons, the winter and next summer.

Losing weight

For those who have been struggling through winter and spring and moaning about putting on weight after eating humungous quantities of parathas and gaajar halwa, this is detox time. The heat robs you of your appetite by making you consume copious quantities of water, nimbu paani or chaas. The sun kicks you out of the bed early in the morning and you are forced to get out for a walk or swim. What is more important than actually losing weight is the feeling that you are. You can work up a good sweat just by gently moving out from the bedroom to the kitchen, you can cut your hair short to keep cool.which will take 50 gms off the weighing scale, you can wear thin cottons and flip flops which makes you feel light and airy. By the end of the month, you would definitely feel thin, having lost at least 75 gms more than you did with that power yoga workout all through winter.

Boost to the local economy- Everyone has been painting a gloomy picture of the Indian economy with the depreciating rupee ,falling growth rates, rising inflation etc etc. However, the terrible weather conditions will actually provide a boost to the retail sector. Where would the average Gurgaonite head to if the inverter has run out of battery, the AC is not working and the great outdoors resemble a blast furnace? A nice air-conditioned place, like a mall, of course. And while one is at a mall, one cannot help contributing to the economy by spending a little at those shops which have attractive summer sales. For those virtuous souls who have been converting Euros or dollars into rupees and have abstained from shopping binges during the vacation, this is the time to spend the saved rupees and save the economy.

There, now it doesn’t seem so bad does it? So put on those flip flops and head to the nearest mall with your new friend and you can coolly survive the summer.

Yesterday, I did something hadn’t done in the eight years I lived in Gurgaon, something hazardous and dangerous, something not for the faint hearted, something most of the Gurgaonites would not do even under the pain of the Cruciatus Curse. But I was feeling a little reckless, daring. Yes, gentle reader. I did it. I walked on a public road. I walked almost 2 km for a total duration of 20 minutes and lived to tell the tale.

I had dropped my daughter off at an evening class and decided to spend the time at the nearby Galleria Shopping complex doing some chores and some unnecessary shopping. I managed to get a parking spot near the building where she was. I was reluctant to drive again and begin the fruitless search for another parking spot. I like walking. On many days, I do a brisk 45 minutes on the walking track in our building. I have walked through many European cities for over 5 hours. I can do easily do a short stroll across for 10-15 minutes, I reasoned.

I stepped out on the road with a sense of adventure and a little trepidation. I had barely walked a few steps when a strange smell assailed my nostrils. Usually ensconced in an air conditioned car, I had seen but never smelt the peculiar odour of wet rotting garbage. It is a stench that reminds one of all that is spoilt and suppurating in this world. I covered my nose and crossed the road waving my hands to stop a passing scooter from running me over.

A maid in an orange sari whizzed by on a black cycle, looking down at me snootily, as though only deprived crazy people would venture out on foot. A black and white stray dog decided to join in my adventure and trotted after me. There is something about a stray dog walking behind me that makes my hair stand up and chills run down my spine. I have a sense of impending doom as though it might just reach out and grab a chunk of my calf muscle. I tried to appear nonchalant and quickened my pace.

At the turning in front of a school, the road that led to Galleria had magically transformed into a giant pool with dark murky water. The dog decided not to make the crossing and trotted off. I looked around for some way out. There was no point waiting for some Walter Raleigh to lay down a cloak for me to cross. There were three grubby men in the garb of construction workers squatting on a pile of rubble on one side of the road. I couldn’t risk the slushy muddy strip on the side of the road which in another city would have been called a pavement or sidewalk. But, of course, we don’t have those things in Gurgaon. I didn’t fancy a mud bath.

I examined the pool closely and found that some rock or brick was jutting out of the waters, enough for a toe hold. By performing a complicated manoeuvre which required the agility of a ballerina, the flexibility of a Yoga teacher and the stride of a long jumper, one could reach a dry spot on the side of the road. I managed a clumsy flop with only a slight crick in the neck, a cracking in the joint and a smear of mud on my slippers. The three men gave me strange looks. They were probably sniggering behind my back.

I reached Galleria, spent a pleasant hour on dry land and braced myself for the journey back. I managed to leap across the pool and made it to the road with my toes and dignity intact. This time there seemed to be a conspiracy among the neighbourhood cars which had no intention of allowing me to cross the road. I was stuck on one side forced to share space with two pigs that seemed intent on increasing the porcine population in our city. I turned away from the live Animal Planet Special and waited for a lull in the traffic. Where are those Walk/Don’t Walk signs when you need them?

The cars are a superior species that completely ignore anything that did not have four wheels. Walkers were the lowest on the food chain. Even passing cows got more respect than passing pedestrians. I vowed to be kinder to common man or woman on foot the next time I was in a moving vehicle. I picked up my daughter and sank thankfully into the seat of my car. It would be some time before I ventured to walk on our roads again.